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THE UNTOLD STORY OF THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA
By: Isabel S.
You may know the story of the Princess and the Pea, but you probably don't know the real story (or the real personality of the princess). Well, here it is.
Ah! So beautiful! Ah! So fair! Ah! A real princess at last! In fact, that lovely, tender princess was actually a chronic complainer, from a long line of chronic complainers on her mother's side. In addition, she was insanely obsessive / compulsive, from a long line of obsessive and compulsive people on her father's side. Throw in a few bipolar tendencies and a dash of depression and yes, you have this princess down to a tee.
Her descendants would prefer that she remain incognito. But to tell the real story, this very real princess must be attached to her very real name. Are you thinking, "Guinevere?" Are you thinking "Genevieve"? Perhaps you are thinking, "Juliet?" Sadly, you would be wrong. She was properly named Princess Paisley. By the time she was 30 she had the distinguished title of Queen Paisley the Persnickety.
In fact, if you look in a thesaurus under the word "picky", you might see her picture with the following definition:
Picky
Function: adjective
Text:
1 hard to please <a picky princess would never be satisfied with any of the wonderful things other people would love to have> - see finicky
2 Princess Paisley the Persnickety
So do you have a picture of the princess in your mind? Hold onto that while I take you back to the beginning of the real story. But so you don't get lost in the middle, I will tell you the long lost secret -- finding the pea was a mistake! I am not kidding. It is true. Allow me to explain.
At the beginning of the quaint story that we have all heard and loved, that lovely, tender princess was (supposedly) caught in a storm and (miraculously) took refuge in a nearby castle. Ha! In fact she was out castle-shopping because she had already gone through all the castles in her kingdom and found none of them suitable. The first one was too dark and damp. The second one was tacky and overdone. The third was simply too small for a princess of her stature. The last (so sad) was burned to the ground when she claimed there was a strange odor that could be removed if they burned all the upholsteries and curtains. She forgot that she insisted that the ugly stone walls and ceilings should be covered in $100 dollar per yard Chinese silk. Eighty hours of burning and $589,340.00 of silk later, there was nothing remaining of the castle except for her imported golden toilet seat, molded in the form of a perfect egg.
So, by coincidence, it had started to rain and thunder when she knocked on the castle door of King Baldwin, Queen Belinda, and Prince Basil. She used the poor weather as an excuse to do what many rude neighbors do--snoop around. She had no idea that Queen Belinda also had been doing her own shopping. She had been on the look out for potential princesses for her dear son and had gone through twice as many young ladies as Paisley had gone through castles. It seems that each and every one of the ladies who claimed to be a real princess were obvious frauds as they failed at least one of the tests the Queen put before them. One didn't even complain at all!
Queen Belinda was overjoyed to see yet another princess land on her doorstep! She invited her in and used the weather as an excuse for Princess Paisley to stay overnight. You see Queen Belinda had already rigged the house with bucketfuls of tests for the perfect princess.
I know what you are thinking. You think the test with the mattress and the pea was the only one? No way. There was serious real estate at stake! You think Deal or No Deal has a major prize? Try a whole kingdom! When is the last time they gave away a kingdom after one of those contests?
Now, let's get back to the story. Princess Paisley had already passed the "disgusted by nearly every piece of food put in front of her" test. She sniffed her way through the "identify the cheap wine" test without even tasting it. She was amply disturbed by the "off key piano" and every attempt they made to play any music on it. By the time the evening was ending, Queen Belinda was hopeful that Princess Paisley would pass the final test by morning.
The princess was brought to the bedroom because she said she had terrible indigestion and an equally bad headache. She claimed she needed to lie down and rest and said that the only cure was to be left alone. But her real intent was to snoop around the moment the King and Queen went to bed as well. Alas, they stayed up late talking about how she truly must be a real princess.
Princess Paisley was completely and utterly bored while she waited for the King and Queen to go to sleep. With nothing else to do, she started examining that room from top to bottom. Every picture was in the wrong place (and crooked). No chair was appropriately upholstered. Every table was in a style which disagreed with the period of the room. The wall color was far too dark for the north-facing windows. And the chandelier must have been cobbled together by blind elves. Overall, the princess was disgusted by the ugliness of the patterns on the mattresses, the carpet, and the window furnishings.
Climbing into bed, staring at the ceiling, the princess decided that this would not do. How could she ever sleep in a room that just screamed "ugly"?! The princess called one servant after the next to remove every ugly thing from her sight.
Every table had to go. Drapes were ripped down. Carpets were rolled and removed. Tapestries were thrown out the window. By the time midnight came around, all that was left was a pile of mattresses. She proceeded to lie on, roll over, puff, fluff and sniff every mattress to determine its suitability. Mattress after mattress was tossed from the highest parapet.
When she was finally done, and all the furnishings and all the mattresses were gone, all that remained was the pea. Yes, the pea was sitting there in the middle of the room. "Ugh!" thought the princess, "Disgusting! I feel sick!" She could not believe that a pea was left under the mattress to rot and attract bugs and stink up the room! She decided she just had to have a word with the Queen about her upkeep of the castle.
Not knowing which room of the 255 in the castle was the King and Queen's bedroom, she was forced to wait until morning to have her rant. She sat at the breakfast table boiling in fury, with her hand holding pea up so she could glare at it. She was poised and ready to announce to the Queen exactly how furious she was with finding the stinky, little pea under her bed.
As the Queen descended the grand staircase she did not notice the facial expression of the princess. All she noticed was the unmistakable object in her hand - the pea.
To make a long story short (too late) the Queen arranged for an immediate wedding. The Queen was happy to be assured that a real princess was found at last. The princess was happy to find a castle with "good bones" but in need of having an extreme makeover. The King was happy that no more young ladies would be put through a series of ridiculous tests.
Are you wondering about the Prince? Well, he wasn't happy, but he did become quite famous! He was so miserable after a honeymoon filled with constant complaining that he spent his entire life expanding his kingdom and exploring far, far, far away lands.
Read HUNTED By Kristen L. |
